Legit Parenting
Legit Parenting
Mom's Playbook: Life Lessons That Last a Lifetime (Part 1)
In this touching two-part series, Craig shares the impactful and profound life lessons he has learned from his 98 year old mom. Craig shares a heart felt tribute that reflects on the small yet meaningful moments that shaped his childhood and the wisdom his mother imparted on him through both her words and actions.
From teaching the importance of family dinners and structure, to demonstrating resilience in the face of profound loss, Craig's mother imparted on him that parenting isn't about perfection – it's about being "this side of good enough." Craig shares poignant stories like his mother's final night with his father in hospice, her tradition of waving goodbye until her children were out of sight, and their ongoing playful debate about who had bluer eyes, which illustrates how the smallest gestures of love can leave the most lasting impact.
In this episode Craig shares that even as he sat beside beside his mother, who sometimes struggles to find her words, that even in the fog of dementia, her core essence – her smile, her joy in surprises, and her ability to show love – remains undiminished. This episode is a deeply personal narrative and tribute that reminds us that building a child's character happens one small moment at a time. Consistency, presence, and unconditional love are a testament to the enduring bond between parent and child, and how a mother's love continues to teach and touch your heart in life's final chapters.
Welcome to Legit Parenting, where imperfect parents build resilient kids and families. A place to learn real solutions based in brain science to fit your unique parenting style. We show you how to tackle today's challenges for children and teens. Remember, when it comes to raising kids, you just have to be this side of good enough. Join us and we will show you how this side of good enough. Join us and we will show you how.
Speaker 1:I'm your host, craig Nippenberg. I've been a child and family therapist for nearly 40 years. I'm the business owner of one of Colorado's largest private practices, best-selling author and father of four. In my fathering world, I've been a birth dad, a single parent, a step-parent, an adoptive parent, a parent of exceptional students and a grandparent of two. By my side is Sydney Moreau, our production manager and mother of three ages, preschool through 18. Together, we bring you a guilt-free parenting perspective with solutions that actually fit into your real life. Welcome to Legit Parenting. I'm your host, craig Nippenberg, along with my producer, sydney Moreau. Sydney had an interesting episode in her family this week. Her eight-year-old son had his first ever allergic reaction and came home red blotches, eyes swollen and then couldn't breathe and off to the hospital. They raced. Sydney, you've had quite a week.
Speaker 2:It's been wild, it's been an eventful week. Your whole ease of comfort, of food and things like that can change in a second with that stuff.
Speaker 1:That's just terrifying. Yeah, they got him to the urgent care, took care of him and now the process of getting the EpiPens and the school release forms, and then the testing to see what it was.
Speaker 2:Yep, it's not a fun process, but hopefully it'll bring back some security and day to day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and once you know.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But the poor child didn't get to have Halloween candy.
Speaker 2:No, not this. He could have suckers and hard candy, but nothing, no chocolate, I know.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's a rough one. It is A stressful event for a mom.
Speaker 2:Yes, definitely. We did get him some cinnamon toast crunch, which he's loving. This is the most delicious thing I've ever had Cinnamon toast crunch.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're glad he's doing better. Okay, today's topic so we're, on this theme from the Surgeon General, about parents under stress and we're going to be continuing that for a while, and today is a twist on that for parents and it's really about taking a long-term view of parenting. So much right now there's this focus on micromanaging your parenting and gentle parenting and you have to do everything, just right, and there really isn't much research on that that it matters, but you are planting seeds for the long term, just 20, 30, 40, or, in my case, 66 years later. What do you want your children to learn from you or to experience from you? So I had the opportunity 16 years ago to make a list for my father of what I learned from him, and it is the list. Part of the list is in my first book, wired and Connected, and I was able to read it to him sitting by a pond. He was in a wheelchair after a stroke. He couldn't talk, but I held his hand and I read the list to him and he simply squeezed my hand. It was the most meaningful interaction my father ever had.
Speaker 1:Two weeks ago, I decided to go back and visit my now 98-year-old mother, who has stage 5 dementia and I took about six days. I actually drove out to Illinois right across from St Louis and Missouri from Denver and took my mountain bike, went down the Ozarks, did some bike riding and I did some reflecting and I wrote my list for my mother of what I learned from her and what she passed on to me and thankfully, when I was there she remembered me, which I wasn't sure she would because it's getting pretty severe, but it was so cute. My sister had told her I was coming in and I showed up as I got in like about 6 o'clock and I showed up just to say hi quick before going to the hotel, and she recognized me and was smiling and she's like Craig, what are you doing here? And I said I wanted to come back and visit you mom and she was just so happy. And then she said life is full of surprises. I thought, yeah, I guess it is when you have dementia. You hear something and you forget and then all of a sudden it's a surprise. But it was absolutely a joyful visit and I'm so happy. I went and spent a couple days with her. So I'm going to share some of those things that I wrote with you and it might take two episodes. It's a really long list and I'd encourage you to do this too.
Speaker 1:Take some time to think about what is it you learned from your mom and your dad, or your parents, your grandparents, and write it down. And I just kept thinking of more and more things as I was writing and it was wonderful. Now, before I start, I would tell you that I was speaking to a mom last night. She's got a 17-and-a-half-year-old senior in high school and she's a little stressed about college and he's not doing things the way that she would like him to do it as efficiently as she is, and was wondering why he won't learn these. She said to me I'm trying to teach him these lessons before he leaves. And I looked at her and I said he's at a point in his life where he doesn't want lessons from you anymore, not that he'll admit he wants to have his own decisions, he wants to figure out how to do it himself. And I said you really got to let it go and don't take it personal. This is just development. And I explained that all to her and she was very relieved and she said that really helps with my stress. And I said to her. I told her about this list and I said I couldn't have written this at 25. Because at 25, you're still trying to figure out who you are as a person and usually you're thinking about all the bad stuff about your parents at that age, how they messed up, and I thought I said maybe at 40, I could have started to do some of that, and 50, but now it's 66. It's really easy to do it, but it's not something your kids can do when they're younger, and especially at the age of a teen or young adult, when they're trying to figure out who they are themselves and not really wanting parental intervention anymore.
Speaker 1:Okay, so first off, just in terms of background, my mom was not a perfect parent. She wasn't a gentle parent. At times she was very gentle overall, but not always. She had five kids. It was the 1960s, the hippies were around. We had to deal with all that. My dear father was about as obsessive as you could get. He used to call it being a good German. You're efficient and you're obsessed and you take care of everything and she had to deal with that and his getting upset about things not being clean enough. So she wasn't perfect, but she was good enough and I would tell you she was the greatest mom ever. She's just a delight. But she got angry at times and she expressed those emotions and we heard about it. Unlike the general parenting thing, which is your kids should never see your emotions, which isn't really possible and we knew when we crossed the line on something most of you can relate to this.
Speaker 1:When my mom would say my first name and my middle name, I knew I was in trouble and, ironically, I hate my middle name. It was my father's name and my father didn't like it. He always went by Nip Nippenberg, but my middle name is named after him, arnold, and if I ever heard Craig Arnold I was like uh-oh, I'm in trouble, but it's funny they gave me that name and sadly for me, having that as my middle name, I never let the children in school know Because there was a show on at that time, a comedy show called Green Acres and the character one of the characters was their pig and it was named Arnold. So anytime kids would find out my middle name was Arnold. They all start making pig noises.
Speaker 1:Occasionally we might get slapped on the bottom Not hard, not aggressively, but we deserved it. She did slap me once and it was hard. I was 17 and snuck out in the middle of the night and she was terrified, thought I died, and as soon as I put my key in the kitchen door to open it, her hand just hit me right across the face. I'll never forget that one and I deserved it and she was right to do it. I had no problem saying that she would also, and this one is now everybody's talking about.
Speaker 1:Children should never feel shame, and I'm going to do a separate episode on why shame is an important emotion for everyone. We need to have that, but that's a longer conversation. But growing up in Missouri in a very religious home and community, there was a lot of the shame-based stuff and I didn't feel like I wasn't a good person at all, but we knew that right from wrong and that's how it was. The other thing is she really pushed us always on. Let your conscious be your guide. That was always her standard response. So she was very much into empathy for others, kindness my mom's one of the most kind persons you could ever meet and developing a sense of moral right and wrong and using your conscious to guide you. So here's my list. That's the long backstory. Sidney, can you relate to the middle name?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that you knew you were a big trouble. Also, too get it. I got smacked a couple times too Deserved yeah, you know, I heard it. Oh yeah, and shame and guilt were a big part of parenting growing up. But yeah, 100%.
Speaker 1:But we are going to do a separate show on that and the difference between guilt and shame. But occasional shame for humans to feel is very important for our survival as a community. But the other laugh I had was sometimes my mom would be so busy trying to clean and cook for us all and she worked from home taking care of the kids very traditional, but sometimes she'd get upset about something and she'd look at me and she'd say Mark, which was my older brother, and I'd shake my head and she'd John, that's my younger brother. I went no, and then she's like Craig.
Speaker 2:I have that occurrence now with my kids. Not always. Which one are you, or birthdays, birthdays, oh man. As a parent, I can't remember birthdays, any of that stuff it's on Now.
Speaker 1:Many of the lessons I'd learned from her were just simply by observation, and one of those things is work hard and share your talents. So, by history, my mother in her 20s was an executive secretary who could type 130 words a minute, which came in handy in high school when I needed help with typing. She was more than happy to do it for me, but she would tell stories of how she loved getting dressed. She grew up in St Louis, loved getting dressed up every day in a nice dress and jewelry and going downtown to be with young people to work as an executive secretary, and she saved all of her money that she made. She lived at home, saved all her money and my parents were able to buy their first house in cash and my parents never had a mortgage ever. They always just paid cash. It was because of how hard she worked and saved up for having a family and a home.
Speaker 1:I can remember another time when it was like the night before my court of honor in Boy Scouts. I was a Boy Scout and I achieved the rank of Eagle Scout, which is a big deal in scouting, and I loved my experiences in scouting and the night before the big court of honor. You have this sash you wear and then your merit badges get sewn on the sash and I had 25 of them. I'd never sewed any of them on. I brought them to my mom. She was in the living room. I'm like Mom, can you sew these on for me the night before? And God bless her. I don't know how long it took her, but she did it for me and I still have that sash. Making the best chocolate chip cookies for chocolate chip cookies were to die for, and in third grade the children all voted that my mom made the best chocolate chip cookies and that was pretty special for me as a third grader and she swears by it, and my dad did, and I agree. My mother made the best pie crust in the world. It just was flaky and incredible. Her pies were delicious. A lot of those memories are just from simple observation and knowing who she was and what she did and how hard she worked.
Speaker 1:Next category is teaching responsibility. When I was in high school senior year, I didn't want her in my room anymore and to have our laundry done. All we had to do was take the laundry out of our room and put it down the clothes chute, which was like three feet from my door, and the laundry would go down the laundry. And one Friday morning I yelled out from my room Mom, where's my jeans? I don't have any clean jeans. And I was indignant right, and she comes to the door and she said you have the rule that you don't want me coming in your room anymore. I'm like, yeah, and she said, as she looked through the crack to see the jeans on the floor, she said did you expect them to fly downstairs? And she walked away and it was the perfect moment of me having to take responsibility for myself. And that's a battle you have with teenagers all the time that they want freedom, they want to be independent, but they don't follow through on the responsibilities. And she got me on that one. I'll never forget it.
Speaker 1:Another one of her great statements and a lot of your parents have had that where your kids come to you and they're like I can't find this thing, I can't find it. And she'd look and it's right there. She'd say if it was a snake it would have bit you, but mom could always find the things. And, being responsible, we had a chore jar that she had. And if you wanted a little extra money I think it was two bucks. You could do a chore and my favorite for the $2 was washing our front windows and we were in a colonial style house where the windows had all small panes like six inches by six inches. There were a lot of windows across the front of the house, but she taught me how to do it with vinegar and newspaper. That's how you clean windows and I used to just love doing that in the summertime. It was great Having compassion and providing comfort for others.
Speaker 1:The earliest memory I have in my life is when JFK was shot and I watched. The TV was on, walter Cronkite was announcing it and there was my mother in her light blue dress with her pearl necklace on, standing in front of the TV, crying, and I remember how upset I was because my mom felt sad. I didn't really understand who President Kennedy was or anything like that, but I knew it would hurt her and I'll never forget that moment of knowing my mom was sad and not liking. That had many great episodes. I remember sitting in her lap and her comforting me when I was upset in her rocker when I was four or five or six and she would just rock me. And what was so special on this trip was there were times when we could talk and she was overt. Other times, when she got fatigued, she would say I know what I want to say but I can't find the words. And then sometimes when she would just stare and we just sat next to each other in adjoining rockers and I held her hand and touched her thigh and just supporting her and it was like remembering when she would support me in the rocker and now I was supporting her. That one's going to make me cry even more.
Speaker 1:Chickenpox Chickenpox for me was glorious in kindergarten because I got to stay home and I believe my dad was out of town so I stayed in my mom's bed so I wouldn't infect the other kids and so I got to sleep every night with mom and she would bring me the chicken soup and milkshakes and it was like the happiest two or three days of my life and I wanted the chicken pox to stay. When they went away I'm like, oh bummer, back to sharing the bedroom with my brother. Sydney, did you ever experience chicken pox?
Speaker 2:I didn't have chicken pox until I was like 15 or 16. But it's funny that you say that, because when my youngest, who just had that anaphylactic reaction, was at the hospital, they're taking good care of him, and we were there for three hours, something like that, and we're sitting in the bed and we're getting ready to leave and Hank, my son, is walking out the door and he says I don't want to, he goes, I don't want to come back, but I definitely recommend it. You guys took great care of me. And he said later when we were home he's, I really like the hospital. They take really good care of you, they make you feel good, like he really. I think that nurturing everybody concerned, bringing them popsicles, bringing them all kinds of stuff I think that probably is that same feeling, like that nurturing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and being with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:A wonderful book one of my favorite parenting books ever it was in the 70s called how to Really Love your Child, and he talks about times when kids are more emotionally available to you, when you can really connect, and one of them is when they're sick.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:When they've had a medical incident or, like his experience, when they're sick or meeting the chicken pox. That's a time your kid's emotionally open to you yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's a great opportunity to take advantage of that, also on the comforting level. I can have so many memories of being in third grade and being dyslexic which they didn't even know about then or didn't diagnose it and having to read books, and it was Family Robinson. I'll never forget to read that and I'd go down into our basement by myself where it was cool on the last weekend before it was due and I would just skim the book. But she knew how hard it was for me and she'd bring down a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk and that was her way of nurturing me through tough times. And she also now knew when to toss me a bone. The night she slapped me, my dad was on a business trip and at the end of it all, after I had to call the police to tell him I was safe and call my friend's parents to tell him I was safe, at 2 in the morning she said. Final thing she said to me is I won't tell your dad. And I'm like thank God, thank you, mom. You tossed me a bone and another one where I got into it with one of my brothers and drew blood on him actually, and he said I'm going to tell mom, you're going to get a spanking. And I was in my room and in my bed upset and my mom came in and she just patted me on the thigh and she said I understand, and she knew how hard the relationships between siblings are sometimes. And I was like oh, she understands me, she understands my frustration, and kind of hit the wall.
Speaker 1:Same too, when fifth grade fourth and fifth grade I played little league football and back then it was all tackle football pads and everything and I was the. They had a weigh-in process and you had to lose weight if you wanted to be up with the lighter boys or gain weight if you wanted to be with the lighter boys or gain weight if you wanted to be the other boys. And basically I sucked at football. I couldn't catch it, couldn't throw, so I was a lineman and I was just getting beat on all the time. And there was one day I was outside and we were supposed to head out to practice. My mom came and got me and I was crying. I was like I don't want to go anymore. Now the rule in our family was if you took up an activity, you had to stay with it. You couldn't drop it and she just looked at me. She said I understand, it's okay. And I didn't go back to football until high school and I got stuck on the line again, but I stuck it out. I just never had the aptitude for that A positive attitude.
Speaker 1:My mother was cheerful every morning. I don't remember any mornings where she wasn't cheerful and greeted us in the morning with a hug and a kiss and always asked how did you sleep last night? That just her eternal cheerful and also a sense of looking your best. My mom. Always, any occasion that you were supposed to dress up for she looked great. She still looks great. She just had her hair done when I came to see her and she's in bright colors and looks as cheerful as can be, even now at 98. In bright colors and looks as cheerful as can be even now at 98.
Speaker 1:And one of her favorite sayings that I just love and I say it to my kids too when I'd be in middle school or high school I'm like I don't know what to wear. What clothes should I wear? Not like we had a big choice of clothes For guys it was pretty much blue jeans and flannel shirts. That's what we wore. But I'd say, if I were to say I don't know what to wear, my mom would say, just wear a smile. And that goes a long way. It's just incredible advice, relationship skills, forgive and forget. If we got into it with each other as siblings, she'd have us sit down together and we had to sit there and we couldn't play again until we apologized to each other and had to forgive each other. And that worked every time. We figured it out pretty quick because we wanted to play, but she was big on if you forgive each other and you move on and you forget about it.
Speaker 1:One of my earliest memories, too, was in kindergarten and you forget about it. One of my earliest memories, too, was in kindergarten and my mom and I had some kind of disagreement before the school bus came, and I don't even remember what it was about, but I was so upset with her and indignant and I got on the school bus and I looked and there she was standing at the door waving goodbye and saying I love you. And I didn't get to say I love you back and I remember crying on the way to school because I thought what if she dies while I'm at school? And I never got to tell her I loved her. That was really a big moment for me and also my mother. Every time we would say goodbye or leave, and when we were old we'd go off to college or come home for a visit from Colorado, she would always stand at the door and look out the window and wave until she couldn't see us anymore. It's just a classic. She would always just wave and wave because she always hated saying goodbye but knew she needed to do that, that we needed to do that.
Speaker 1:Never go to bed angry that was one of her rules, and my mother and father were married for 60 years and that was one of their rules. Never go to bed angry, you talk it out and you forgive and forget. This one is it was great. When my wife and I got married. We took my mom out to dinner for a nice steak dinner to tell her we were getting married.
Speaker 1:And she thought for a while and she looked at my wife and she said there's three things men need and I'm like, okay, now, this is old school, of course, but she said one they need dinner on the table as soon as they get home. They want to eat. Dinner should be ready so they can eat, and she always had it ready and as soon as dad got home we ate. Then she said and this was brilliant. She said compliments, men need compliments. And she said women love compliments but men need them. You need to be validated by your wife and complimented. And when you think about it, men in the workplace we don't generally validate each other much about what we're doing or how great you are. It's more male teasing and joking around, or my golf score was better than yours, or that kind of banter stuff answers stuff.
Speaker 2:But craig, I've heard it. I've heard it said that women need to know they matter, and men?
Speaker 1:need to know they're enough. Yeah, yeah, that way, god that's gonna just oh, I'll never. The movie saving private line ryan, saving private ryan the end of that movie, when private ryan is an elderly man and he goes to the gravesite of the Tom Hanks actor who had died in the battle to save him and he's crying and his wife comes up and she says what's wrong? And he said have I been good enough? Have I been a good man? Yeah, and she was like of course you have.
Speaker 1:And that really resonates to my own heart as well is your desire to be a good man and do what's right. And that's triggered by vasopressin, which is the hormone that men have. It's one enzyme away from oxytocin. So women have oxytocin that really causes you to bond with your children and your mate and those deep cuddling feelings. Anytime you're cuddling, your oxytocin levels go up. Men have it too, but men have vasopressin and it tells you to bond with your family, to protect your community, justice, taking care of others, taking care of your village, take care of your village.
Speaker 1:And an artist for me, one of my grad students who did some artwork for my first book. She drew a picture for vasopressin of a knight in shining armor and that's the hormone that we have, and so when you hear from somebody that you've been good enough and you've done it, it's really important. And the third thing she said she looked at my wife and said men shouldn't go without it for more than three days. And I was like ka-ching, thanks, mom. And then my next thought was wow, my dad was really lucky.
Speaker 2:I would have loved to seen Lisa's face during this conversation, yeah she was like whoa.
Speaker 1:But then I thought, wednesday night us kids were all sent to the church, midweek school, where you had dinner, and now I know what Wednesday night and Sunday afternoon nap time were all about.
Speaker 2:That's funny, it's clockwork for them Scheduled?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's funny that she'd say it because back in those days, parents didn't talk about sex. You never, and especially your mother, would not talk to you as a boy about sex. You didn't talk about any of that kind of stuff. It was like considered taboo. And for her to say that I'm like, wow, just cracked me up. Yeah, that was a fairly oppressed generation around sexuality. It was, yeah. The first time my dad talked to me was on my 18th birthday, down in the basement. And I'm like, yeah, dad, I know all this stuff.
Speaker 1:Another one in terms of relationships, and I just saw an Instagram momfluencer post on this. But my mom would say take care of your marriage, because your kids will be gone before you know it. And now that my son is going to be 33, it's really true, they're gone before you know it. It goes so fast. And the podcast or the Instagram I saw was a post about, you've probably heard take care of your marriage, but we're taking care of our kids and we're all focused on that.
Speaker 1:And then she wanted to talk about how her and her husband have an agreement that they're going to dedicate this portion of their life to the children. They're younger, they're preschoolers and that their marriage will take a back seat preschoolers and that their marriage will take a back seat. And if both of you are on the same page with that, I could see that working. But you just have to realize we're both on the same page and be able to communicate about whoa.
Speaker 1:My marriage cup is feeling empty Because there are going to be times when you're taking care of little ones that there's nothing left in the tank and then you're feeling then it takes a strain on your marriage, but it is important and my parents were very good about going on trips together. Not often. People didn't do a lot of traveling then, but anniversaries or having date nights they would do that and we'd have a babysitter and then my sisters would sit us younger kids and they always this narrative of I'm too busy, I'm too busy for a relationship, I'll do it when I'll have a relationship when it's not a priority for me now.
Speaker 2:There was always a pushing off of the relationship and I think as you get older you realize that's really where your focus should have been. And I think the same is true in relationships, especially when your kids are little. What I notice, especially with my friends, my girlfriends, is they we put especially women, we put so much attention into our kids and so much focus into our kids that the relationship really does become secondary and then, by the time there's space for the relationship, there's so much distance and both parties have created such separate lives for themselves. The women are often like, okay, I'm done with this, I'm exhausted now, like they burn themselves out with it, and I think, like my male friends are more in a position of receiving. Okay, now I want to develop the relationship. Now our kids are older, my work isn't as demanding, all the things, and the women are in there. Everybody's in different places with it and so it always. I do think it always has to be on the same page with it and you have to talk about it where are we?
Speaker 1:Because you need something in your marital, your relationship tech. Whether you're married or not, you need something in there. You can't go on empty for too long. And if you do go on empty too long, I see it as like a cancer. The distance just keeps growing and growing. And then, yeah, kids hit the latency age, the age when they get into first grade a little. Sometimes kindergarten, but especially first grade through fourth grade are just the golden years of childhood.
Speaker 1:It's the latency phase and parents aren't as busy, you don't have as much to do, they're easier and they're at school and you finally get to relax. But if that distance has been growing for five or six years, then you're right. You find that there's nothing left. And you also point out a good part is when you're young parents, you're trying to make it in work, in your careers, and most families are both parents, working, developing their careers, and you're working 10 hours a day and then you have to answer work emails and you're expected to be checking your emails 24-7. And your partner's working, trying to move up Everybody's trying to move up and you're spending all the time with the kids and you're busy taking them to practices and all that stuff and there's nothing left and you're just tired and want to go to bed.
Speaker 2:It's a very robotic stage, it's just it is. I felt like the Jetsons, like pushing the button.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just pure survival. And I had the joy of being at home a lot with my son when he was around four, four and a half, and I had taken a summer off because I had experienced meningitis and almost died from it. But I can remember I'd love being with him, but you can only be with a toddler for so long before you're like this is like too much, this is like too much. And I'd wait for my wife then to get home from work and as soon as she got in the door I was on my bike, going for a bike ride for an hour because I just I need a break from this. And if she was late I'd be like, oh my God, I can't take it, please. So there are a lot of those moments where it's incredibly stressful. Definitely, if you can still, if you're on and if you both are doing that, it's just communicating with each other about where are we, so that the tank doesn't go empty too long. Okay, one more for today and then I'll finish it next time. Parenting advice.
Speaker 1:My mother had a clear understanding of children's energy and our mischief. She knew what was what. There was no illusions on her part that we were little angels, always being perfect and well-mannered, and we had a lot of more freedom back then and one of the things she could like almost every day in the summer boys outside Us three boys were out of the house. She'd lock the doors, she'd get to cleaning and doing her stuff, my sisters would help her. My sisters would read which I found to be an abomination. When I was that age I would not read, but us boys were kicked out and we had plenty of fun, lots of time outside and we just loved it. And she knew if we were around underfoot it was going to mess up her day. She had no, she got us. And we also learned. You never said to our mother I'm bored, because her automatic response was find something to do or I'll find something for you to do, and that meant scrubbing bathroom tiles or something. You pretty much got over your boredom. And also structure for children. Children need structure. It's in both of my books. They need to know the marching orders, what the routines are, what we're doing, and with five kids you have to be structured, you have to have things just locked down. So our schedules were pretty much the same every week. We knew what we were doing. We were allowed one after school activity a week. That was it. Mine was Boy Scouts on Mondays. Wednesdays would be at the church. Sundays was always the same Every Sunday we'd go to church and then she'd make a roast beef dinner, and then us kids had to play on our own while my parents took a nap, whatever they were doing, and then we'd have grilled cheese.
Speaker 1:Dad would come out and play with us outside. Us kids played football or baseball, and then we'd have grilled cheese and tomato soup and watch Bonanza and then play cards after that. As we got older, it was always the same. It was supremely boring, is what I'd say. It was just the best childhood. It was boring.
Speaker 1:I was ready to leave St Louis and fly and expand and look for more excitement when I got older, but it couldn't have been a better, more structured lifestyle, including the meals we ate. Tuesday nights was my favorite, pork chop night was on Tuesdays. Fridays was fish sticks oh, what's that brand? The fish stick brand and SpaghettiOs. That was the standard, and we weren't Catholics. But at school, when I was a kid, you didn't have meat on Friday. It was always fish sticks at school too, because Catholics didn't eat meat on Friday. It was always the same the roast beef dinner on Sunday, my dad would grill hamburgers or steaks. Often, too, they'd be hockey pucks.
Speaker 1:He wasn't the best griller, but we always knew what was going on and a lot of structure, and we also had a car rotation. So this was before seatbelts, even, and then we had seatbelts, but before car seats or rules about children in the front, so children could sit in the front seat, which is the premium spot of the car. You always wanted to sit in the front. Mom would drive us to school, or if we were going to the doctors, the dentist, and so early on we'd all race out there to see who could get in the front seat first. And I remember getting my fingers stuck in the door a couple of times. When my older siblings slammed the door front door got there first, slammed the door in my finger, and so she had a system that we had days.
Speaker 1:I was the fourth child, so my day was Thursdays. So if there was an opportunity to ride in the car with my mom Thursday, I got to be in the front seat with her, which was very smart, it made a lot of sense, and if we went out to dinner, which was not very often. That was not a big thing and the only delivery was Chinese food and pizza, neither of which we really ever had. But if we were going out, then we had a rotation system of whose turn it was to pick, and the same was if my dad was out of town. We'd all want to sleep in the big king bed with my mom and we had a rotation system and she would keep track of whose turn it was to get to sleep in her bed, and that made a lot of sense. Other things my mom was always very good at just you have to plan for the unexpected.
Speaker 1:That life happens, things happen and you have to adjust quick and all things, all kinds of things, were happening and, like with Sidney and your son having the reaction, I remember putting my fists through a window once there was blood everywhere and my little brother stepped on a razor blade. There was blood everywhere. There was always something that was coming up and sometimes you just have to go with it and it's okay to be overwhelmed. I learned that from my mom. She would get overwhelmed and it's okay to be overwhelmed. I learned that from my mom she would get overwhelmed, and that's when she'd start dividing and conquering, sending us outside or whatever. Or the classic was my dad was very much a neat freak and there were some times, after a big family dinner or something, my mom was too tired to get all the dishes done and I'd open the hall closet door to get my jacket. I'd see a roasting pan up on the top shelf. That's where my mother would hide them so that my dad didn't see that it wasn't clean. That is awesome. It's okay to be overwhelmed. You can do that. There was another time I remember my little brother was being mischievous and she was going after him. He was a speedy little kid and he took off under the dining room table and he was crawling between the chairs kid. And he took off under the dining room table and he was crawling between the chairs to get away from her. My mom's Craig, get your brother what. It's okay to get overwhelmed. And all of you parents. There are times when you are overwhelmed and you just survive. It's just about survival getting by Two more on this one and then we'll continue next time.
Speaker 1:Spend time with your friends. My parents' generation my wife talked about this and her parents do. They really valued their friends as well as their children and we would frequently go over to their friends' houses and us kids would all play. They all had kids and we'd all play together and she had her different groups done. She went to exercise class at the church with her friends and always stayed in touch. She had a very supportive relationship with the other moms. And finally, on this one in terms of family, and your whole family and your kids is taking pride in your kids.
Speaker 1:And one memory I have we were in California, a Disney world of all places, and all of us kids have blue eyes, very deep blue eyes. We got them from my mother and some stranger came up to us and he said to my mom he says your children all have the most beautiful eyes. And she was just beaming and she was like so proud of her children and our blue eyes Very special. I'm going to continue with that more next time because I got a couple more pages. And again, it's amazing what you learn from your parents directly and most of it by observation and seeing what they do, and I'll share more of those. Some of the best qualities of my mother I'll save for next time.
Speaker 1:But I thought, for things of beauty make me cry was when my mom and I were sitting there and at one moment she had been quiet for 20 minutes or so and I just sat with her and was looking at pictures in our family photo album that one of my sisters put together and which then we later looked at. But we're sitting there and she opened her eyes and she said look at us just sitting here, you looking at me and me looking at you, and I just held her thigh and then this she said to me, and it was just like I was little. She said you're a good boy. And at 66, to hear that from my mother means the world to me. It was just incredible. You're a good boy and in her mind, in her heart, I'm still that little, five or six-year-old, and it's enough.
Speaker 1:Back to our earlier discussion about men needing to know that they're enough. It's when my father said to me shortly before he died. He said you're a good man. I guess I've been blessed by both. I'm a good man and I'm still a good boy, keep in mind. Thank you very much for tuning in. If you enjoyed the show, please share it with a friend, and next time we'll continue about taking the longer view, looking at what you want for your kids a long time from now, and some of that is learned over time. And it isn't always every moment, because you don't have to be perfect. You just have to be this side of good enough. So relax and just take it all in and appreciate every moment. Thank you.